You want to know what I never get tired of? Birth Stories. I’ve never heard a birth story that I didn’t find totally fascinating. They’re all like a season finale of Grey’s Anatomy -thrilling, intriguing and there’s always some little twist that keeps you totally and unequivocally engaged. I also love reading peoples blogs about what you might want to know before you give birth. I read a million of them before I had my first baby and I still read them because I find them hilarious. It’s a relief to read them because I didn’t go through what that person did but nonetheless, I always find things that people forget to mention no matter what.
Here’s a few other freaking scary stuff that might happen when you give birth.
People forget to mention that epidurals don’t always work.
I myself didn’t even know this until my second baby! When I was induced for my first baby I lasted 30 minutes before my husband looked at the nurse and was like “just call the anesthesiologist, she’s never gonna make it.” I nodded my compliance because I couldn’t talk or even remember my own name. Then, the miracle worker showed up, I mean anesthesiologist, and within 60 seconds had the epidural in and I was off to night night town for awhile. Seriously, that man brought the good stuff and was basically the rock star of the anesthesia world. If I hadn’t fallen asleep I would have kissed him. Then I was stupid enough to have a second baby and think the same thing would happen. I had to be induced again, because apparently my babies like to punch a hole in their little uterine hot tub and then change their sweet baby minds about coming out. This time, however, I waited hours for the anesthesiologist to show up and when she did; she looked like she’d been sweating it out on an elliptical machine because the hair under her cap was all wet and stuck to her head, which led me to believe she had probably just accidentally killed someone in surgery. Not the best start. She then proceeded to numb my back in one location and stick me with the epidural in a different location, which felt awesome along with the contractions they tell you not to move through. Awhile later, I was still feeling everything so she came back and tried again. Bonus time! That epidural didn’t take either but by the time it was all over my sweet little girl decided she was ready to meet us and I gave birth au naturale. I don’t recommend this to anyone, even granolas. I was dumb again and had a third child and that epidural was kind of 50/50. So let me just say, it’s a gamble! Maybe take some of those granola type birth classes just to be safe.
How come people never mention the freaking Dexter episode that happens after you give birth?!?
I was literally shocked by the amount of blood that never seemed to end. They should just cover the whole room in plastic, a la Dexter, and leave you to your own little murder scene. I mean, I guess it’s nice they give you huge, embarrassing diapers to wear, but what the heck? No one mentions that it looks like a scene from Jaws for at least 48 hours. Horrible. And if your husband is with you, which I hope all husbands are, it’s shocking anyone gets pregnant again after they see you in stretchy mesh underwear and a diaper laced with Tucks pads and perineal ice packs. And most likely they’ll hear you spritzing your undercarriage with numbing spray every time you visit the bathroom…which takes approximately 3 hours each time because of all the labor that goes into reassembling your bajingo care package. Just be prepared mamas, get yourselves one of those little flashy light thingies from Men in Black that erases your memory, because no one wants to remember this part.
Another thing no one mentions is the contractions…after birth!
Yeah, that’s right, after you have your sweet baby your uterus decides to try and murder you a second time. You think you’re all set to lie in bed and recover until you start nursing and the moment your little angel gets into a nice sipping rhythm, BAM! Contractions start all over again. This didn’t bother me much the first time around; what with my small, youthful uterus bouncing back almost immediately, but have one or two more babies and your uterus turns into Shaun T screaming at you to get in shape! If you have one of the nice nurses she’ll bring you the “good” pills and help you mellow out but then you’ll fall asleep with your baby in your arms and your nurse will accuse you of trying to murder your newborn. Darned if you do, darned if you don’t. I wish there was a way I could have done some uterus pushups or something while I was pregnant to avoid this whole scenario but I probably would have just skipped them anyway and eaten a cupcake and taken a nap.
No matter what happens in your birth story you can be assured your precious angel is worth it! All three of mine are well worth the craziness, except for the days where I consider dropping them off at the Safe Haven for fighting, crying and straight up disrespect.
If they only knew what we went through to get them here.