School has started for many children in the U.S. And while some moms did the happy dance all the way back to their cars, other moms tried to keep it together at drop-off only to completely lose the battle with their tears as their little ones traipsed off to their classrooms. Regardless of how any of us reacted, one thing is for certain: none of us dropped our kids off and thought, “Hmmmm…I wonder when I’ll really have it out with my child’s teacher.”
As a former teacher, I absolutely hated conflict with parents. No teacher enjoys it! The dreaded phone call to notify a mother that her child was caught cheating on an exam would make my stomach turn as I dialed the number, hoping that she wouldn’t pick up so that I didn’t have to give her the bad news.
Although I despise conflict, I do realize it is inevitable. I attempt to deal with it (both as a school employee and also as a parent of a student) in a way that is healthy for both me and the object of my conflict. Go into this new school year not expecting to have conflict; but prepared to deal with it in a constructive and healthy manner. When you plan ahead, you are more prepared. And when you are more prepared, things are less likely to derail or escalate to an emotional level. Try some of the following tips to help prevent conflict or deal with it when it arises:
Trust Your Child’s Teacher
I have never met a teacher who said, “I have chosen this profession so that I can pick on children.” Never. So in the spirit of working together (You both want the best for your child, right?), trust her. I know it is difficult to hear something negative about our children. However, I’m not entirely sure why- since we all know that our children have behaved badly for us…why not someone else?! Be willing to give your child’s teacher the benefit of the doubt. It will make you a happier person and an easier person to communicate with.
Say No to the Blame Game
Don’t try to place blame on the situation. (i.e. “Well, Jimmy wouldn’t have acted out if you hadn’t put him next to Bobby,” or “I know Cindy cheated on her test, but she had a volleyball game last night, and you really shouldn’t assign tests after a game.”) Regardless of what your child has done, your teacher doesn’t think he is bad. Teachers have servants’ hearts and see the best in each child. They also see the areas where they need to grow and actively work to have each child meet his full potential during the year he is within their care.
Handle Conflict First at Its Source of Origin
You know what I hated more than conflict as a teacher? Hearing about a conflict from my administrator or another teacher FIRST before hearing it from the parent/child. I’ve heard many parents righteously claim, “I can talk to whomever I want. It’s MY kid!” Yes, that is true. It is your kid. But he is his teacher’s student, and that is her professional work environment. Your son’s teacher plans lessons, teaches all day, grades papers at night, and tutors students during any “free” time. When a parent doesn’t talk to her first to try to resolve the issue at its source, it creates havoc in the classroom and takes away from all of the students.
Keep the Conflict Between You and the Teacher
You know how your parents used to say, “Keep your hands to yourself?” Well, the same is true for whatever beef you have with your child’s teacher. Do not gossip to anyone regarding whatever issue you are taking up with your child’s teacher. Not another mom, not another teacher, not even someone you met five minutes ago at King Soopers. Gossip spreads like wild fire, making the situation worse for all involved.
Affirm the Teacher
Giving affirmation to teachers does two things; first, it encourages them and lets them know what they do well. And second, it alerts them to the types of attitudes and structures you appreciate. Does your child thrive on positive reinforcement and glow after she receives a toy from the coveted treasure chest? Thank her teacher for including that in her classroom. Chances are high that she spent her own money for many of those treasure chest items since she knows the value of positive reinforcement. Affirmation goes a long way in building trust and helping minimize conflict.
Teach Your Child Responsibility and Respect
When parents come in, guns a blazing, to berate a teacher in front of their child, it teaches the child that it is okay to be disrespectful and that you as the parent will never question them. Model the behavior you want your child to use when dealing with conflict. And while having trust is important in the parent/child relationship, that type of blind trust teaches your child that he can tell you absolutely anything, and you will believe him. And that is something that children quickly pick up on and manipulate to their advantage.
Get Involved at School
If time allows and you have talents to offer, do so! This can take many forms: support your school’s PTO, volunteer in your child’s classroom, offer to help your child’s teacher by cutting out shapes while you watch The Bachelorette in your jammies (Guilty!) Whatever time you can contribute to your child’s school or classroom will be well-received and allow you to feel a part of your child’s education. And the more buy-in you have at his school, the less conflict you will have.
Have you ever been in conflict with a teacher? What did you do to resolve it?
