Some nights my bedroom is a torture chamber.
I’ll quietly tuck myself under my weighted quilt and flip pages of my current read. I’ll get warm and comfy, and suddenly my husband will bust in, get as close to me as possible, and do unimaginable things.
Where The Wild Things Are
Truly awful things like slurping cereal in bed while changing the ringtone on his work phone and listening to Chris Stapleton on his other phone. Then, if he’s in the mood, he’ll use his electric razor which I’ve lovingly dubbed “The Predator Call.” And then he’ll do the worst of all things — clip his fingernails.
Meanwhile, I lie there in our bedroom thinking, “Exactly what kind of sensory overload are you trying to put me through?”
Don’t get me wrong, I love him.
But by 9 p.m., the kids are asleep. They’ve finished saying “Mom!” every time they need something, lost something or someone in this house has done them wrong. And I am tired of noise. When they’ve finished hanging and touching and lying on me, I need space. When I can breathe without someone being hungry or thirsty or dirty or mad, I want to be in my own little bubble world with just the characters in my book whose problems are worse or fewer than mine.
And I want to be there quietly.
If I Ran the Zoo
All that said, husbands, I give you a gift. Here is a list of bedtime ritual guidelines sure to convince your wife she married a saint:
1. Crunchy and slurpy foods belong in the kitchen. This includes your protein shake.
2. If you have bathroom business to take care of, use the spray and vent, and close the door during and afterward.
3. Need to saw or hammer something? Tomorrow is a new day.
4. Consider the additional audience, choose a radio station, and play it softly.
5. If you need to excavate a pair of shorts you haven’t seen since 1994, please begin before 7 p.m. This 7 p.m. thing applies to any question that begins with, “Have you seen my…”
6. Please clip your nails outside.
7. Saying “I’m cold/I’m hot” is actually asking you for a favor. You may or may not receive bonus points for this.
If you think that electric razor has any hope of teleporting you south of the border, make sure you’ve followed numbers 1-7.