Mommy friends–they are crucial to your sanity but not always easy to come by. I have often heard finding mommy friends is like dating and let me tell you, it is true!
After I had my daughter I joined a few local mommy play groups hoping to make friends and find allies. I had a baby and a teenager at home and needed my own tribe.
I went to my first playgroup thinking I would find a room full of women similar to myself– tired, a bit disheveled, eager to talk about how we were making everything work, or in my case not work so well. I left feeling even more alone then I had when I got there. I was also a little embarrassed because as I left I realized I had a few yogurt puffs in my hair and what I’m pretty sure was snot, which may or may not have been mine, on my sweat suit. These women seemed to have it all so together! One even spoke of her new playroom being “toddler chic”. I still don’t know what that is, but I am sure I have not achieved it. They were all very nice but they were so together and already established as a group. Needless to say I did not go back. This was not my tribe.
Who knew staying home and finding a mommy tribe would be so hard?!?! That night I cried (a lot)! My husband encouraged me to keep trying, but I felt like I was failing. I did try again, several times.
The second group I went to was an outdoor hiking group for moms. The first conversation was about how many of them had recently gotten rid of all of the televisions in their homes! I was thinking, “Oh my goodness, how do you watch Reality TV”? We had fun with this group but decided it was not the group for us. I felt a little out of place when we stopped for snack. Everyone was feeding their kids snacks they had grown or made with food they had grown. I totally scrambled to find a loose twig or grape at the bottom of our lunch box. I met several nice moms but found it difficult to connect. I did, however, leave feeling a little more encouraged.
I attended play group after play group and failed to bond with other moms. I soon realized I was attending but I wasn’t present. I was so worried about not fitting in I wasn’t participating. I decided if I wanted to make friends I had to put myself out there. So I did. I slowly began showing my personality, making jokes, discussing my struggles, and I even hosted a few play dates of my own.
Then it happened. I began connecting with other moms. I even began getting invites to small group play dates. I found my tribe!
So, here is a list of things to consider if you have struggled to make mommy friends in play groups.
1. Relax! Don’t be so worried about every detail of the play date, just enjoy yourself. It doesn’t matter if you have messy hair or if you look perfect. Every mom has ups and downs, it’s how you rock them that counts!
2. Ask questions and be yourself. Find out about the moms you are spending time with. I will always wonder what “toddler chic” is!
3. Don’t make assumptions! Just because a mom is put together doesn’t mean she doesn’t have mommy struggles. I probably lost out on several great mommy friends because I thought they were too together or crunchy for me. That wasn’t fair and ultimately only hurt me.
4. Be present! You will never make friends if you are only observing at play dates!
5. Consider hosting! This is a great way to connect with moms in an environment that you are comfortable in.
6. Eat cupcakes when they are offered! 🙂 Free cupcakes are often a bonus of play dates!
! My husband encouraged me to keep trying, but I felt like I was failing. I did try again, several times.){kind=link}
Another great post Deanna! I am sorry you felt so alone. Cereal and snot in your hair is a sign of a great Mom. You are definitely a great Mom!
so true!
great advice. it is like dating with a plus 1.
Deanna, you nailed this post! It’s so true: mommyhood is lonely, and supportive friends make all the difference… but those friends are often hard to find! I’m grateful for a great network of close mommy friends. I’d be lost without them!
No matter which stage of life you’re in, it’s always fun to find a tribe of like-minded women who can share, laugh, inspire and support one another. As life moves on members of the tribe change, and sometimes you end up leaving one tribe altogether while bonding with a new set of friends. The ebb and flow of life is amazing and beautiful. It’s even more wonderful when you have a set of awesome friends to share it with.
This is so true – finding your tribe is hard! Hang in there mama’s!
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