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When Feeling Like a Mom Is Not So Simple and Clear

motherhood not simpleI was digging into a new book that a fellow mama encouraged me and a few other girlfriends to read, and as I opened the introduction the writer started talking about the day she became a mom. She spoke about a seven-pound baby that was placed on her chest. And, then an overwhelming feeling of love that came over her. It was a bittersweet moment to experience as a reader. That was not me, and that was not my May 7th, 2014 experience when my six-pound baby girl was placed on my chest. What mother says, “she’s gross,” when the nurses lay a sweet baby on her after delivery…

My mom card could have been revoked right then and there. Thankfully, they gave me all the grace that day, and let me keep my baby with minimal judgment. 

My experience in becoming a mom was slow and gradual–despite the lack of a quick feeling of love and excitement the day my baby was born. It certainly hadn’t been an overwhelming feeling from the get-go. Maybe an overwhelming feeling of being thrown in the deep end while trying to keep a baby alive, yes.

As I read on, the first chapter had hot tears flowing down my cheeks, and steam was all over my glasses. She began describing motherhood, the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

Fast forward to when my daughter turned seven months. After months of doctors appointments, a few sicknesses from infections, learning of a second pregnancy, and a whirlwind of other surprises–the moment came that we knew she needed surgery.

The day came and we drove her to Denver with close family. For a somewhat normal procedure, but still a surgery she would need to go under anesthesia for. They rolled her down the hall to surgery and the longest time of waiting I’ve ever experienced commenced. It felt longer than the 13-hour labor I had to bring her into this world. 

My husband and I clutched onto her little lamb stuffed animal that she had since birth, which she absolutely loves. It hit me like a ton of bricks–I’m a mom. A mom who has no control over anything at this moment in time. I’m not in the midst of navigating motherhood. I’m a mom stuck in a waiting room for my child to come out of surgery. It was so surreal how strong of a feeling that came over me as I discovered, and really felt this role I had been playing for months, to be true. It finally felt right to hear me called the term mother.

The moment was solidified after we finally were able to go back to recovery and see our daughter. From then on she was my baby and I was her mother. It wasn’t the experience I had envisioned during pregnancy, but none of motherhood is what I envisioned–it’s so much more. 

Becoming a mother doesn’t happen in one day. It happens daily, at each little milestone you and your baby make. You add another notch in your belt of becoming a mom, and it never stops. The feeling never ends once it comes. 

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