I am not what you could consider a crunchy mom. I have mom friends who’d I’d say are crunchy, and they’re awesome. This is not about not liking someone’s crunch. But, if you are more like me and had a fully medicated birth, only nursed for a few months, let your child poop in non-cloth diapers, and the only baby-wearing that was done, was the nine months in utero, you probably aren’t a crunchy mom either. This list might help you decide too (I don’t even want to know about #13 on the list).
But, not being a crunchy mama and not wanting to ostracize myself from the mamas who are, I’ve learned a few things to do when you’re not the crunchiest mom around.
1. Learn to shop at Trader Joes for any food you’re taking to a play date. Any Trader Joes food item will be accepted with open arms, even cookie butter. And bonus, Trader Joes is super yummy, even for us non-crunchy mamas.
2. If asked about your birth story, play the “my husband was deployed… DEPLOYED” card or any other card you can think of to explain why you didn’t know what a birth plan was, much less have a water birth planned. And try to avoid words like “epidural” and “all the drugs ever made” when talking about the birth of your child.
3. Place your Easy Mac into a different container when around others. No one will know what brand of mac-n-cheese you’re eating… unless you share. Then you will be that mom who introduced their kid to the magical world of Kraft Easy Mac.
4. Tell people your brownies were made with carob and honey. Trust me. But that’s as far as you should go with brownies. Don’t try some chocolate/zucchini concoction. People who mix chocolate and veggies can’t be trusted.
5. Teach your kids words like “chicken nuggets” and “hot dogs” are actually “free-range, hormone-free, lightly breaded in almond four chicken nuggets” and “turkey the-kind-you’d-wanna-eat-for-thanksgiving dogs” instead. Also, you’re helping your child’s vocabulary. And it’s also nut-free butter*…. yeah, Skippy’s makes that now…
Obviously I’m joking and have never, ever done any other those things….
But what have you done when you weren’t the crunchiest mom around?
*Also, I don’t recommend telling someone it’s nut-free butter when it’s actually peanut butter. Allergies people.