You’re in the grocery store check out line after what can only be described as a hellish ordeal in the weekly attempt to buy food with three (or two, or four, etc.) littles at your heels when a grey haired lady standing behind you says “Treasure these moments because you’ll miss them when they’re gone.” I’m sure that’s true…sort of, but let’s be honest for just a hot second and admit that there’s a lot you’re not going to miss.
For instance, I am sure I am not going to miss trying to cook dinner whilst navigating the mine field of toys, Tupperware or magazines that have been pulled off the counter. I also am not going to miss the dishtowels or rubber gloves that have been stolen and discarded within 5 seconds of the theft, a toddler that either sneaks up behind me just in time for me to step backward and knock him into a cabinet eliciting wails of perceived agony or hanging onto my pants crying to be picked up while I worry about him being splattered with hot oil. Not going to miss that at all. Promise.
One day I hope I’ll actually know what it is to cook dinner without trying to remember if I added the correct amount of spice or if I added it at all because I won’t be yelling at big kids to be nice to little kids and little kids to “take that dog toy out of your mouth!” One day…one day.
I’m not going to miss potty training toddlers either. Potty training is the worst thing to ever happen to parenting. It’s quite the cruel joke actually. You’re all set to stop changing poopy diapers but first you have to do the messiest, most horrendous parenting task of all; potty training. I think all parents have the idiotic idea that their kids will just “get it” and it will take two days. Have you heard of that book? Potty training your kid in two days or some garbage like that. This is a lie sold to all of the sad sack parents out there who are ready to let their toddler live in diapers for the rest of their life, like me. And I’m sure we all have one of “those” friends whose kid potty-trained himself/herself in one day. Lies. All lies I tell you. Those friends aren’t my friends anymore by the way. My friends are the ones scraping poop off of doors and couch cushions and drinking a bottle glass of wine every night just to cope with all the horrors they’ve seen during just one day of potty training. Not ever going to miss that one. Ever.
I am also never going to miss getting up with a newborn 97 times a night when all they wanted to do was sleep all day. What is wrong with these babies anyway?? Don’t they remember how nice and still we were all night long when they were in our bellies? Except for getting up to pee every 30 minutes, we were asleep all night. There is no excuse for all of this daytime sleeping and night-time waking.
And if it wasn’t bad enough they wake you up just when you start your R.E.M. cycle, they will surely take the opportunity to also vomit hot curdled milk down your cleavage and have a blowout so extreme that they have poop clear up to their neck just to make sure you will never have time to even think about a R.E.M. cycle before they wake up again. You will be too busy changing your pajamas and rinsing out a pooped up onesie by the glow of a solitary nightlight. No, I won’t miss being awake when the rest of the world is asleep. For God wanted us to sleep…at night, not during the day when we pass out sitting upright in a rocking chair after desperately trying to keep our little insomniac awake for 15 minutes to eat.
I know these little old ladies are wise beyond my years but they also might be forgetting some of the sheer horror that comes with motherhood. I will miss the tiny fingers and toes of a newborn, preciously tired toddler heads on my shoulder, the sound of tiny feet running at top speed, the sound of excited giggles, seeing my babies in footy pajamas and a million other little things but there are some that I will be happy to leave in the past, where they belong.