This is the second in a series about communication between you and your child. Why focus on communication? Brazilian educator Paulo Freire says it best: "Yet only through communication can human life hold meaning." We talk to our children from birth; we spend countless hours and millions of words communicating with them over a lifetime. It's critical to our success as parents to communicate well. Our conversations and connections give lives meaning for both us as parents and our children. Over the next several months, we will explore ideas of what good communication looks like in different facets of parenthood.
When raising our children, the guidelines for communication were clear: instruct and correct. We gave a directive, explained our position, and then the matter was settled. As parents of adult children, however, it’s imperative that we recognize that our voice in their lives has changed. Adult Children: What Is Different?
When they were young and still in our care, we had the responsibility of setting a firm foundation that would support them throughout their life. Words and communication were part of what built that foundation. As previously mentioned, communication was most often instruction and correction. If we continue in this fashion when our children are adults, however, we run the risk of a dysfunctional relationship.
Parents give children a sense of security; they trust that what is spoken to them by their caregivers is truth and a non-negotiable. As they grow, instead of immediate obedience they begin to ask, “Why?”
Some may view this as a challenge and disrespect. Most often, though, it is simply a way of learning how systems function—cause and effect, so to speak. It can also be how the child learns their “place” in the home. A hierarchy can be established during this time of persistent questioning of our parental directives. Instead of viewing this phase as a nuisance, it can be a season of great maturity for our children and a lesson in patience for the parent. If we nourish our relationships with love and respect, we can explain our position, answer as they ask for clarity, and then trust the matter is settled.
As They Grow…
As children grow and have families of their own, however, the communication looks quite different. Or at least it should.
No longer can parents declare something and have it received as a non-negotiable. Adult children have wisdom and discernment of their own—some of which we hope to have instilled. And that means they will also have their own opinions. And if we try to speak to them as if they were still under our roof and demand obedience to our will, our relationship will become strained to say the least.
Too often relationships between parents and adult children become estranged simply for this reason alone. The parent was not willing to cut the cord and allow the child to become an adult.
Big Promises
Too often we see lists that promise success, such as The Ten Do’s And Don’ts When Conversing With Adult Children.
However, even if we follow all the rules and never deviate from communication etiquette if we still speak to our children as if they were…children, then our relationship can become troubled.
Of course, there are common courtesies and practical wisdom when addressing our adult children. Be aware of the time when you call, text or drop in (it is never a good idea to barge in unannounced.) If you are aware that it is a busy time of day for the family, which includes dinner time, movie night or evening story time, offer respect for their time and contact them later. And if you happen to call and you hear World War III erupting in the background, please excuse yourself and ask that they return your call at a better (quieter) time!
Some Simple Suggestions
So how do we cut the cord, allowing for healthy conversation during this new season of life?
We can begin by asking ourselves how we would like to be treated. This is wisdom from Proverbs and yes, it works. Was it difficult for your parents to talk to you when you became an adult? Did they still seem to speak at you, instead of conversing with you? Did they still look for obedience from you, or did they give you wings? Were your ideas laughed at or encouraged to blossom and grow? Were you free to express yourself or silenced by their expectations?
Stop and ponder what healthy communication looks like to you. Then you will be able to see clearly those areas in your own communication style that either need nurturing, refining or a complete make-over. Some areas may even need to be buried and never resurrected again!
Cut the Cord
When referring to adult children, the emphasis needs to be placed on the word “adult”. The diapers are long gone, report cards have been tossed away and their room is now empty. A vibrant new season has begun – we have adult children! However, if you see your adult children as still attached to you by the cord, it’s time to reach for the scissors!
Carol is the mother of Krista Ward, one of our contributing writers. She has been married to her handsome husband for over 31 years, and has two outstanding children and four precious grandchildren! Carol is a graduate of Charis Bible College Woodland Park and is employed with Andrew Womack Ministries in Colorado Springs. She has a blog at unwaveringinchrist.com.
Carol, I love your blog! Very insightful and well written. You did a Super job and it was fun to read😃💖 very helpful indeed!
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