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My Fourth First Trimester: The Hardest One Yet

The ugly first trimester

I’m not even going to get into the obvious struggles the first trimester holds. The endless nausea or sickness every day we, as expectant moms, can feel. The weird stage when people wonder if you’re with child, or just gaining weight. Those things are hard no matter where you’re at on this motherhood journey.

In my fourth first trimester, I think maybe it’s harder because I have no clue when my due date is, or the fact that we didn’t see baby number four coming. Or maybe it’s harder this go around because I have three other littles to care for, one who is also still nursing.

Now, I’m not saying that my first trimester is harder than a mom with fewer kids, or anything else that can be read into that. I’m simply trying to lay out my struggles—some may relate, and some may walk away feeling empathetic. Either way, this is my reality right now. 

You know the first trimester isn’t going well when you text your friend, who used to be a counselor, asking if first trimester depression is a thing.

I just have no energy right now.

It took me a month to get this post typed out, and I basically need to turn around and write another one. But that’s the current state of my life—feeling like I’m unable to catch up on just about anything. The unkept areas of my home seem to be growing. And when I try to muster up enough energy to tackle one space, three others grow more filthy. There seems to be a constant flow of dishes in our sink, laundry piles in the laundry room—and let’s be real, by the sofa and baskets in each room, as well.

How to “fix it”

I’m sitting here wondering what I should be doing about all of this. Part of me says, “just give yourself grace, this is a hard season. It will end soon.”

But what do I tell the people who are counting on me? The little faces who want me to play endlessly with them, or constantly hold them. Or my extremely patient husband who needs some clean clothes to be able to go to work. Where should I be focusing the littlest bit of energy I have right now? The answer seems obvious: My family and raising my littles. The control freak in me says the housework. And the tired mom of three (four, really) says to just lay on the sofa, and eat out for every meal. I mean nothing in my kitchen sounds good to me, plus the whole effort of preparing foods seems so daunting at the moment. 

But as any pregnant woman knows, life must go on. We must do the bare minimum to ensure chaos doesn’t make its way into our homes. I don’t want to feel like this; exhausted and sometimes lifeless in thought. I don’t even have the energy to string together thoughts.

There’s really no amount of sleep either that can make me feel better. It’s a different type of tired.

Getting out of the house helps. Sitting outside in the fresh air, in my beloved hammock, helps. Playing in the water and sun helps. And for right now, I just don’t know how else to make things better—besides finding ways to just get through it. 

Needless to say second trimester, I’m beyond ready for you! Even though I have no actual idea when that will be…

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